Today I learned that I may have abandonment issues…..
Yes. The girl who’s had both parents in her life for the past 31 years. Sister, animals, the whole thing.
Sure we’ve been through some things. But no one has ever “abandoned” me.
At least that’s what I thought.
I still have to talk it over with my therapist in a few weeks. But what I do know is that this stemmed from childhood. I know that already.
When my friends would call my Mom or Mommom “their Mom/Mommom” I’d get insanely jealous and tell them “that’s not YOUR Mom/Mommom, they are mine”.
I don’t know why I was so jealous and so hostile. But I refused to share my family with anyone.
Fast forward to 31 years old. I also have noticed I refuse to share my Dad with his new buddy. I get jealous when he takes up “Dad and me time”.
Granted, he’s been hanging out with him a lot, and he’s been a good influence on my Dad. He’s been helping fix stuff that’s been needing to be fixed for way too long.
But he’s taking time away from my Dad-time. And I don’t like it.
Then when it comes to my sister, whenever she ends up getting friends, and leaves me for them some days, I already know I’ll get insanely jealous and upset.
Just like with my best friend. (You’ve met her, Beta). But whenever she says “oh I was hanging out with my husband’s friend’s wife and we really hit it off and I’m going over there again next week…..etc” I get upset. Because that’s MY best friend. She should only want to hang out with me.
All of this, I realize is wrong and inappropriate behavior. But I don’t know what triggered it as a child and what to do about it.
To be honest, I HATE working on myself. I don’t want to. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s scary. It’s admitting you have flaws and faults that need fixing.
And the times I’ve “tried” to work on myself? I always ended up failing. Probably because I never really tried that hard. Because who wants to work on hard stuff on PURPOSE? No one.
Especially not me. I’m starting to feel as though I don’t have true ADHD, I’m just lazy.
Which, who knows. I’m not a Doctor. What do I know about all this?
I just know I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and this is a big part of it.
But am I ready to do the work to fix myself? HAHAHAHA. No. 😀
But this is why I’m here. To hear feedback from others on what helped them. So we can all as a team get better.
So let’s hear it. What are you struggling with right now? What advice would you give to me? Or someone that you know of who is struggling?