I know I have been slacking on this blog lately. But for “good” reasons. 

 

Bad reasons, if we are being honest. Depression, anxiety to the MAX, exhaustion, you name it.

 

I have been going THROUGH IT the last few months/weeks. My mental health is affecting every aspect of my life right now. 

 

Work, home, sleep, eating, you name it. 

 

So let’s start with the worst of all, work. 

 

I am not one of those people who LIKES to call out. Yeah I enjoy a day off here and there. And I’m always looking forward to my next vacation. But I don’t like calling out and making it look like I don’t care about my job. 

 

Queue anxiety attacks. 

 

I have been having such bad anxiety attacks that I have not been able to work. I’m talking about anxiety attacks to the point of throwing up, almost passing out, the shakes, all of it. 

 

And my job for the most part can be chill, but it is a very serious job and it’s not a job you can do when you are mentally unstable. 

 

So there come the call outs. I have been too mentally unstable to do my job. And I know my bosses are looking at my attendance like “this is becoming a problem”, but I LITERALLY cannot help it. 

 

Every day at work is like 8 hours of being tortured. If I’m not swamped with work overload, I’m checking the time like “is it time to go yet?!”. 

 

I’m not sure if it’s the anxiety, depression or ADHD that causes me to count every minute, every second that I’m here and make me feel EVEN WORSE than I already did. If that were even possible…

 

Next, let’s talk about my home life. (Because I do not have a social life anymore, thank you again, mental illnesses/exhaustion). 

 

So when I am not watching the time tick on my computer at work, I am at home. 

 

What do I do at home you may be asking yourself? 

 

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I lay in bed and play on my phone, or sleep. That’s pretty much the gist of it. 

But why? I have so much stuff I could be doing, right?

 

Boring tasks: Laundry, dishes, sweeping/mopping, cleaning my room/kitchen/etc, making food. 

 

More fun tasks: hobbies, building kits, my plants, watching TV/movies, taking my dog on a walk.

 

So….which tasks do I choose to do? 

 

Neither. 

 

Because my brain won’t allow me to. I WANT to get these damn clothes off my floor so I’m not tripping over them. I WANT to have a clean house/room. I WANT to do some hobbies that make me happy. 

 

So why don’t I do these things? To be completely honest, I have no clue in the world. I’ve been told it’s a mix of my anxiety, ADHD and depression. Like all of it working at once to achieve NOTHING. 

 

And how does that make me feel? TERRIBLE. AWFUL. MISERABLE. 

 

So why do I let it happen? Because I have no choice. I can’t force my brain to cooperate. 

 

Sure there are tips and tricks that we will be going over in the next few weeks hopefully, but soooo many have failed me or I just give up easily. 

Wish me luck for the next week while we find those tips and tricks…